The Best Things In Life

     The class was chaos.  It was almost three minutes past the hour and Mr. Voss, the history teacher, hadn't shown up yet.  The class was using this time to run wild.  A whole third of the class was up out of their seats visiting with friends across the room.  Those that stayed in their seats were making up the distances with their voices.  Ted was doing a good job of this even though it wasn't necessary.  He sat directly to my left.  He always believed that he should be heard above the crowd.

     He was busy explaining a crazy new idea he had for Sean's locker.  It was his little obsession that Sean got a new surprise in his locker at least once a week.  The week before, Ted had pasted pin-ups from a Tiger Beat on the inside of the door so that when Sean opened it, he was face to face with a bunch of half naked guys.  This week he wanted to put Vaseline on the dial to make it harder to spin.

     I was only half listening.  My attention was on Dawn.  Specifically on her right breast which was hidden only lightly by the thin material of her blouse, and under that, the lace of her bra.  There was nothing Ted could have said that would have swayed my attention at that moment.  I was lost in a dream and quietly thanking whatever gods there were that I happened to be seated where I was at the time.

     Mr. Voss sat us according to our grades.  He started at the first row on the right hand side of the class.  That seat was reserved for the ace student.  The seating then snaked down the front row to the second row and on back.  According to what your standing was in class determined where you sat.  She sat at the front of the class, fourth seat in, directly three seats in front of me.

     That's why I could see her when she leaned back.  I sat in the fourth row, fourth seat in; exactly two thirds of the way from the front.  The only thing blocking my view was Dale.  He was leaning around listening to Ted and pitching in suggestions when he thought necessary.  The only problem with Dale was that he was so fat it was hard to see around him.  Because of him, I had to wait until either he shifted or she leaned back before I could see her.  At the moment, I was very thankful.

     At four minutes after the hour, the door opened and the class made a mad scramble to return to their seats.  Everyone was in motion when Sean walked in, panting and covered with a light glaze of sweat.  It was obvious he had been running.  A collective moan rose up when everyone realized it wasn't Mr. Voss.  The normalcy of insanity returned immediately. 

     Sean made a beeline for his seat, one in front of Ted, dropped his pack and sat down facing me.  "My mom is pissed."

     "Why?"

     "She found out we ditched class and missed the quiz last week."

     "How'd she find out?  Did Mr. Voss call her or something?"  I was worried.  If Mr. Voss called her, then he probably called my dad too.  If he did, I was up shit creek.

     "No, I told her."

     "What?"  I couldn't believe my ears.  "Why the hell did you tell her?"

     "She asked.  What else could I do?"

     "Lie."  Ted was an expert at dealing with things like getting out of tight spots.  He also had this uncanny talent for choosing the simplest methods of except.

     "Yeah, right.  With my mom?  Then how would I explain why I'm sitting in the third row?"

     "Why did you even tell her that?"  I never tell my dad how I'm doing in school unless he asks.  Then I never tell the truth unless I'm actually doing good.

     "Because, Darren, my mom and I talk.  I know it sounds stupid, but that's just the way we are at my house.  Anyway, you better not come over after school today."

     "I guess not."  The conversation felt finished so I slumped down on my elbow again and tried to see past Dale.  He was now leaning closer to Sean to talk so that made things easier.  I had a clear view and I was enjoying it.  The way the blouse pulled tight against her breast right where gravity was being defied most held me in amazement.  At that moment, I couldn't think of anything more perfect or beautiful and I would have given a lifetime just to feel the curve of her breast where the blouse was pulled tight.

     Ted tapped my elbow, "So, when are you going to ask her out?"

     I had been wrong.  There was something Ted could say that could catch my attention.  Ted knew about me and Dawn.  We all had Freshman English together three years before and I'd been watching her ever since.  It wasn't like I was a perv or anything, it's just I had never had the courage to ask her out.  In fact, I'd never had the courage to ask anyone out before.  "Yeah, right."

     "Come on, Darren, she's not going out with dickweed anymore.  Ask her out."

     "Why don't you just tell everyone?"

     "You want me to?"

     "Do and you're dead."

     "Then ask her."

     "I will when I'm ready.  Leave me alone."

     "You want her, right?  She's not seeing anyone, right?  Ask her.  If you wait any longer, someone else will.  That Junior/Senior mixer dance thing is next week.  Ask her to that."

     Ted, she hangs with a different crowd.  Let it drop, okay?"

     Ted didn't have a choice; Mr. Voss was coming in the door with a steaming cup of coffee.  This caused a mad commotion as everyone raced for their seats.  Mr. Voss was pretty cool most of the time.  He usually let us talk if there wasn't anything going on and we usually took pretty good advantage of it.  His one real requirement was that we had to shut up when he was ready to begin class.  If he was done lecturing, he didn't care what we did.  This was the beginning of class though so everyone shut up and found their seats. 

     That saved me from Ted's response, or at least most of it.  Ted leaned in close and whispered, "No, you're going to ask her out or I'm going to do it for you."

     I just sighed and got a little more comfortable on my elbow.  I couldn't see much of Dawn at this point as Dale was now almost completely blocking my view.  That which I could see was just her right shoulder and a trace of her long, rich, silky hair.

     After Mr. Voss got his notes settled, he looked up at the class and waited until everyone stopped shuffling.  Then he held his presence for an extended pause before raising his cup to his lips.  After setting his cup down, Mr. Voss put his hands on the podium and started the class off the same way he did everyday, altering only enough to include the next lecture subject.  "All right, today we're setting the way-back machine to the tenth century AD, somewhere near the Ivory Coast of north-western Africa.  During this period ..."

     I drifted.  I didn't even try concentrating on the lecture.  Hell, I couldn't have if I'd tried.  Dale had shifted to his left elbow and that left me a clear view of Dawn.  I do know that sometime shortly after class began, the lights went out ant the overhead came on because Dawn looked like she was glowing.  It let me dream in her hair.  From there, it didn't take much to imagine what her face looked like.  I made it into a fantasy game to try to see if I could visualize her face just as it was.  I considered it a test of how much I really liked her.

     I remembered everything about her face.  From her long, thin nose to her strong, high cheeks, I recalled her as perfectly as she seemed to me.

     The class went slowly.  I didn't even bother to try to concentrate on the lecture.  I knew I wouldn't have been able to if I had tried.  I just accepted my fate and drifted off.

     I must have been more absorbed in my thoughts than I cared to remember because I didn't even notice the lights come back on.  I also didn't notice when Mr. Voss called out my name for the first few times.  "Earth to Darren.  Come in Darren.  Are you out there Darren?"

     I popped my head up off of my now sore wrist and I looked around, "Huh?"

     Kids were starting to snicker and I realized just how deeply I had been out.  Even Dawn was turned around and smiling.

     "Good.  I thought you had left us for good back there.  Now, how long did it take?"  I think Mr. Voss still actually thought I might have a clue what he was talking about.

     "How long what?"

     "How long did the siege on Ghana last?"

     "Seventeen years."  I had him on this one.  When I wasn't being distracted by pretty girls, primarily Dawn, I boned up on history.  It was my favorite subject even though I didn't do so hot in the class.  That was mostly because I didn't do the homework though.

     "That's right.  It took seventeen years before the Muslims were finally ..."

     I drifted again.  This time mostly out of embarrassment though as my eyes quickly became glued to my desk.  I had been caught looking directly at Dawn and she had seen me.  I felt like reaching up and pulling a hole in after me.

     After a few moments, I braved a glance up to the clock to see what time it was and caught Dawn's eyes just as mine were passing over hers.  She was looking back at me!  At least, I think she was as she turned her head away almost immediately, but not before a thin smile grew on her lips.

     I felt cold.  I was horrified and she smiled at me.  At least I thought she did.  I couldn't be sure and I wasn't sure that I wanted to be.  If she did actually smile at me, I had no idea what it could be for and I didn't want to know.  I was running a fifty/fifty chance that she was either still laughing at me or she was smiling at me for something else.

     It was that something else I was hoping for.  I didn't want to put a name to it because it might spoil my fantasy of it and it was this fantasy that I wanted to hold onto even though I knew that it was just a fantasy.  Girls like Dawn don't really smile like that at class nobodies like me.  I wanted to believe otherwise.

     When the bell finally rang, I timed myself so that I would walk out the door right behind her.  This was something I tried to do every day just to be close to her.  Usually I failed as she was much closer to the door and I have to fight my way up there.  It was my goal to get close enough to her so that I could smell her perfume and hopefully her hair as she walked in front of me.

     I did.  I even bumped up against her n the doorway.  I didn't mean to but she stopped.  So did my heart.

     She didn't notice.  There were too many people trying to escape at once, all bumping into each other.  I noticed though, and so did Ted.  He was crowded up behind me as close as he could in his own rush to get out the door.  My being right behind Dawn was just the type of set-up he needed. 

     He gave me a little shove from behind which caused me to bump her again.  This time she did turn around and look at me for a moment.  She didn't say anything and I don't remember what expression she wore, whether she was mad or not.  I remember my expression though.  Or at least I can imagine what I looked like.  I tried to say excuse me but nothing came out.  Instead, I felt like I was drooling and making stupid noises.

     It didn't even take Ted five steps out the door before he started laughing.  "God, I wish I could have seen your face when you bumped her."

     My only reply was slugging him in the arm.

     "Ow!  Why did you do that?"

     "Go figure, Ted.  Could it be that you're such an asshole at times?"

     "Touchy.  At least look at it this way, you got to touch her.  Now you'll have something to think about when you're alone."

     "Yeah, real joy.  You bumped me."

     "Yeah, and then you bumped her.  Hey man, she smiled at you."

     I wasn't even being given a chance to defend myself.  Ted had a new subject, one that I knew I was going to wear before long if I didn't shut him up, "Yeah, right.  Let's go.  I wish Sean would hurry up."

     Ted and I were waiting for Sean to get done talking to Dale over by the locker complex just outside of the classroom.  On hearing his name, Sean glanced over his shoulder at us and then back to Dale.  After that, Dale looked around Sean's shoulder at us.  He then gave Sean a small wave and turned around.

     Sean then turned and walked toward us.  Ted and I fell in with him and we joined the rest of the school in the slow march to the feeding stocks.

     If you didn't mind the weather when it was cold, the patio was the best place to eat.  It wasn't stuffy and congested like the cafeteria and the smell of the food was bearable with the wind circulating it away from you.  The only place outside that it really stank was in the first few tables leading off the serving windows.

     Where we sat, we were safe from the stench of whatever it was that they were feeding us.  We always sat on the far end table of the middle row of tables.  From where we sat, five rows of tables spread out on either side of us.  In all the years I'd eaten here, I think I had only sat at another table maybe a dozen times, at least twice the amount of times I had eaten in the cafeteria.

     "You going to eat your fries?"

     "Yes, get your hands away from there."  Ted eats fast and if you didn't watch your food, he'd eat that too.

     "Sean, You going to eat your fries?"  Ted timed this one right.  Sean was just shoving his hot dog in his mouth.  Ted had a handful of fries before Sean could do anything but mumble a protest. 

     With his mouth stuffed full of fries, Ted continued, "Where's Dale?"

     Sean gulped down the rest of his dog and replied, "He went home for lunch."

     "Good.  He makes me sick when he eats."  Ted couldn't stand Dale.  Usually I didn't care to have him around much either but I wasn't as much of a jerk about it as Ted was.  Ted didn't have any qualms about expressing opinions about others.

     "Why do you hate him so much?  He's not a jerk to you."

     "No, but he's gross.  I don't see why you hang out with him."

     This conversation was nothing new.  It took place almost every time Dale wasn't around.  I never bothered to join in.  I had hung out with Dale since junior high and even though I didn't hang out with him regularly anymore, I felt bad talking about him.  Besides, Dawn was sitting on the other side of the patio on the last row of tables, sitting in the same spot she always did.  She was a lot more interesting.  She was sitting with her group of friends laughing and talking as if nothing mattered to her.  I love that.  I wished I could be like that, full of life and a thousand friends.  I was a nobody though.  That's why I was sitting with Sean and Ted, the class invisibles.

     Well, Ted wasn't invisible.  If there was a stupid prank pulled anywhere on campus, you could make money betting that it was Ted that did it.  That gave me a reputation for being a troublemaker also as I was usually with him when he did something.  Due to that, and due to hanging around with Sean and Dale, I was never a big hit with the girls.  They seemed to like the type of troublemakers that acted tough and picked fights.  People like Mark, even though he sometimes hung with us.  We invisible people always seemed to get overlooked when it comes to the Who's Who on campus.

     "Why are you so quiet today?"

     "Huh?  What?"  I had been daydreaming again.  Apparently Ted and Sean were done discussing Dale and Ted was looking for something new to talk about.  "No reason.  I'm just tired, I guess."

     "Bullshit.  You were thinking about Dawn again, weren't you?  Why don't you just go ask her out?"

     Ted, give me a break.  It's not that easy.  You just don't walk up to a girl and ask her out.  You've got to do something."

     "Yeah, ask her out.  What's so hard about that?"  I guess from Ted's perspective, it isn't hard.  He doesn't know the meaning of the word shy.

     "What?  Is Darren still stuck on Dawn?"

     "I'm not stuck, Sean.  I just think she's good looking."  Sean was easier to shut down than Ted was so I figured if I ended the conversation with him, it would shut Ted up.

     No such luck.  Ted doesn't let sleeping dogs lie.  "Darren, if you don't ask her out, I will for you."

     "Don't you dare!  I'll kill you if you do."

     "Then ask her out.  Either that or I Charlie your arm every day until you do."  Ted thought this was motivation.  "And Sean gets to also, not that it will hurt much."

     "Thanks Ted.  Remind me to call on you when I need a good job reference or something.  Here, have another fry."  Sean ended his statement by flipping a fry at Ted.  This was just what was needed to get Ted going.  Within a matter of seconds, the area around our table was scattered with Sean's now inedible fries and some of mine that I wasn't able to get away from Ted in time.  This was standard behavior for us when ever and where ever we were but I wasn't feeling up to joining in.  I was starting to see just why I didn't fit in with the 'in' crowd.

     I finished lunch up in my own little world.  Ted and Sean had found what they needed to keep them occupied and so had I.  My attention was riveted on Dawn's hands.  She used them a lot when she spoke and she was doing a lot of speaking.  Her hands were a blur of activity but in the moments when she paused, I caught them.  They were tiny, beautiful, and impossibly small.  I knew her hands well.  I had even touched them before when she was handing papers out in class.  They were only about half the size of mine and I found that amazingly beautiful.  Her skin was so soft.

     I didn't have any more classes with Dawn that day so the rest of it went as slow as usual.  Geometry, biology, and auto shop all went by without incident.  I was glad the day was over.  It was still only the second month of school, but I was already having burnout.  My test scores were mediocre, my homework substandard, and my absences peaking at a record high.  I was working three nights a week at the local zit factory flipping burgers and I couldn't save a dime.  Most of all, I had finally, completely, and hopelessly fallen for Dawn. That wouldn't have been bad if I had the guts to ask her out but since I didn't, oh well. 

     I did see her in the parking lot after school though.  I was waiting for Sean in my clunker and she and her friends were hanging out around their cars, three rows away.  I just watched and grew jealous.  Some people seem to have no worries what so ever.  Everyone in the crowd she ran with had their parents buy them nice cars.  They all dressed perfectly.  There wasn't a crooked tooth in the bunch.  They all had good hair and if you spoke to them, they were all disgustingly nice.

     Dawn was the best of the bunch.  They were all nice and they would all talk to you if you talked to them but Dawn was the nicest out of the bunch.  She was, or at least always had been, extremely nice to me.  I'd never heard her talk down about anybody.  She was just nice.  That's what I liked best about her, outside of her beauty.  She also didn't flaunt herself.  She had nice clothes, was perfectly groomed, and her dad had bought her a new little sports car.  She didn't wave this around though like some kids did.  She just was and she just let things be.  She was nice. 

     Me, when my car ran, it meant something bad was about to happen to it.  I bought it myself as my dad, outside of being somewhat of a tight ass, felt it built my character if I paid for my own wheels.  Yeah, it built character all right.  I had to take auto shop just so that I could have the character to keep the damn thing running.  The grease under my nails could testify to that.

     As for my teeth, I won't talk about them.  I mean, they were all there of course; it's just that they were really crooked.  My hair was okay though.  I had finally convinced my dad that it wasn't the work of the devil if my hair touched my shoulders.  As for clothes, strictly jeans and tees.  I was a picture of fashion. 

     I was too busy watching Dawn to notice Sean walk up.  He always tried sneaking up on me, hoping to catch me day dreaming again and this time was no different.  He popped his hands down on the roof of the car and went "Boo!"

     I just looked up at him and told him to get in the car.  As he slid in beside me, he turned and spoke, "What's up?"

     I shook my head slowly, "Nothing."

     "How was shop?  Did you finally get this thing running right?"

     "Ha!  That'll be the day."  I hadn't up to this point taken my eyes off of Dawn.  I just kept staring at her this whole time.  I didn't budge, even after Sean began whistling softly to get my attention.  I was lost in thought and didn't want to be disturbed.

     "Are we just going to sit here until Dawn leaves?"

     "Huh?  No, we're going."

     "What the hell's with you today, Darren?  Are you that hooked on her?"

     "Who?"

     "Don't give me that.  You know who I'm talking about."  I nodded and fumbled for my keys.  Sean continued, "Ted's right.  You should ask her out."

     "I don't want to hear this anymore, especially from you guys.  Neither of you have even spoken to a girl since fifth grade.  What type of advice can you give?"

     "I know enough to know that when you want to ask a girl out, you should do it, not just sit on you ass and drool."

     "Good advice coming from you.  Not to rag on you or anything Sean, but when was the last time you asked a girl out?  And don't give me that story about that girl from Central.  You keep talking about her but none of us has ever met her.  Until we do, she's just your little wet dream."

     "Thanks a hell of a lot."  Sean opened his door and started getting out of the car.

     "Hey, where are you going?"

     "Away from you.  I don't need to listen to this shit any longer."

     "How are you going to get home?"

     "I'll walk."  Sean slammed his door and began walking away. 

     I felt like shit.  We'd been teasing him about his supposed girl friend since he broke the news in July.  It was too easy though.  She was from a different school and Sean always came up with excuses whenever we said we wanted to meet her.  I couldn't blame him though.  Who would want to introduce their girl friend to a bunch of guys like us, especially Sean?  We teased him enough about any and everything as it was. 

     I didn't believe Sean was actually going to walk but he was five spaces away before I climbed out of my car and called to him, "Sean, hey, I'm sorry.  All right?  Get back here." 

     He kept walking, only faster.  I plopped into my seat and fired up the engine.  It just cranked and died.  When I laid off the key, the radio blasted enough distortion to aggravate my already short fuse.  I'd jerked Sean a raw one and the Gray Ghost was not responding.

     By the time I got my car to agree to start, Sean was out of the parking lot and walking down the street.  There was still a small traffic jam at the gate so it was a few more minutes before I even got out of the lot.  When I finally got on the road, Sean was nowhere to be seen.  That seemed kind of odd because his house was exactly a mile and a half away if you went strait from the school.  I'd figured he would pound strait for home.

     I finally found him ten minutes later.  He had broken down a side road so as to walk away from all the other kids.  When he saw me, he turned and headed down an alley.  That didn't stop me though; alleys were where I drove best, although usually I did that at night and at high speeds.

     As I pulled up next to him, he stopped and turned around, heading back the other direction.  I threw it into reverse and I kept pace with him long enough for me to apologize.  That's when he stopped and yelled at me, "Bullshit!  You guys are always picking on me and I'm fucking tired of it!"  He turned and began walking down the alley again.  His face was red and his eyes were puffy.

     I killed the engine and jumped out after him.  When I caught up with him, I grabbed his arm.  "Sean, wait."  He shook loose and walked faster.  I grabbed again only this time I spun him around.  "Sean, stop!  I said I was sorry.  What more do you want?"

     He was really crying now.  He shouldn't do that; he's really ugly when he does.  "A little respect maybe.  Is that too fucking much to ask?"

     I didn't know what to say.  I didn't know we had been riding him that hard.  I just stammered for a moment before he spoke again, "I have a hard enough time being the school nerd.  I don't need my friends giving me shit too.  Do you know what it's like to have your best friend make fun of you because you have a girl friend?  What's wrong with me having a girl friend, huh?  Do you think I'm that much of a low life piece of shit that I can't have a girl friend?"

     He had to stop to check his tears.  This left silence that I needed to fill.  I mean, if I didn't, it would be saying more than if I did.  "No Sean, it's just that you never bring her around."

     "Would you bring your girl friend around a bunch of guys like you?  You're bad enough and you're my best friend.  What about Ted?  And Mark?  There's a good idea, the three biggest assholes on campus."

     He had a point.  I was jerk enough but Mark and Ted, they'd have ripped Sean up and down.  They did anyway but I could see his point.  Ted was almost completely without mores and when he got on a roll, he couldn't stop.  Mark, he was just mean to Sean.  That's probably why we didn't hang out with him much when Sean was around.  I had to fight it though, "We're not that bad.  I mean, we're just teasing."

     "Yeah, just teasing.  Have you ever felt what that's like, to be just teased?  If you haven't, ask Dale.  He'll tell you.  You guys treat him like shit and he used to be one of your best friends."

     Now I was feeling really shitty.  Sean was right.  All we ever did was tease each other.  Who ever happened to be vulnerable that day was the target.  It was usually Sean who got ragged though.

     "Look, I'm sorry, man.  I didn't know."

     "Bullshit!  You knew.  Hell, you've felt it.  But you still do it and that's why I keep some things private; so you don't shit on all I have."  He turned and started walking away again.

     I just stood and waited until he came to the end of the alley and turned the corner.  I couldn't move until then.  I felt like I'd just killed my favorite dog.  In a way, I think I had.  The best things in life you usually fail to realize until you've fucked them up.  Sean had always been my best friend and I'd just jacked him.  I felt like shit.

After he was around the corner, I sparked up the car and followed him.  It wasn't hard to find him this time though.  He was sitting just outside the alley trying hard not to cry.  He didn't even look at me as I got out of the car and sat down next to him.  He just sobbed once real loud and gave in to the tears.

     "I'm sorry, Sean, I'm sorry.  There's nothing else I can say.  I'm sorry."  He didn't say anything, he just sobbed quietly.

     I stayed there on the ground with him until some kids from the nearby grade school started walking past.  Then I stood up and held out my hand, "Come on, let's go."  He must have cried himself out because he let me pull him up.

     In the car, we just sat.  I had tried to start it up when I first got in but the damn solenoid was too hot again.  So we just sat.

     After about ten minutes and five failed attempts to start the car, Sean turned to me with his puffy eyes and said, "I'll make a deal with you.  You don't believe that I'm really seeing someone, right?"  I didn't answer.  I was too ashamed.  Sean continued, "Well, I don't think you have the guts to ask Dawn out."  I winced.  "The deal is this; tomorrow, you ask Dawn out and I'll take you to meet Kim."

     I was shocked.  That was the first time he had ever even mentioned her name.  That was always one of the main reasons why I didn't believe him.  I figured that if he wasn't going to tell us her name, it was because she didn't exist.  Now she had a name and Sean was promising me that he would take me to see her if only I asked Dawn out.  That thought sobered me up.  Ask Dawn out?  My stomach knotted at the thought of it.

     "Well?"

     It was my turn to turn away, "I don't know how."

     "Do like Ted said, just ask her."

     We were quiet for a long time after that.  I was chewing through my lower lip, Sean was picking at his fingernails, and the ever-growing stream of grade schoolers walking past the alley started to give it a wide berth.  The two strange guys sitting in the car was probably the cause of that.

     After what seemed like a thousand years, I made up my mind, "Okay, I'll do it."

     Dawn came into the room like a ray of sunshine.  She was so bright and beautiful that I was almost blinded.  Ted saw my reaction and nudged me in the side, "So, gonna ask her out today?"

     "Yup."  I never took my eyes off her but I did see Sean turn around and smile.  I'm also pretty sure that the thud I heard next to me was Ted's jaw hitting the desk.  What ever it was, I had finally said something to which he didn't have a smart reply.  I'd stumped Ted and he stayed stumped.

     Mr. Voss came in almost immediately after that and told us to put our books on the floor.  The way-back machine was being suspended for another pop quiz.

     The quiz was the standard short essay type, easy enough for me but I was pacing myself so that I could finish when Dawn did.  I did this because Mr. Voss' policy was that you could leave when you finished.  By the time Ted dropped his pen, half the class, including Sean and Dale were already gone.

     When Ted bent over to pick up his pen, he leaned close and whispered, "Are you really going to ask her out?"

     "Yes."

     "Ted?"  It was Mr. Voss.

     "Yes?"  Ted straitened up with his pen clearly visible.

     "What are you doing?"

     "I dropped my pen."

     "Do you have to carry on a conversation to pick it up?"

     "No, sorry."  Ted stood up after that, grabbed his bag, and carried his quiz back to Mr. Voss.

     In a quiet room, it is very hard not to hear people talking.  I find it very distracting.  I could see Dawn starting to shuffle in her seat and I was trying to finish the last question.

     As Ted walked out the door, Dawn rose and carried her quiz back to Mr. Voss.  I scrawled and scratched as fast as I could.  As she passed my desk on her way out, I jumped up with my bag already around my shoulder and started off to the back of the room.

     I threw my quiz down on the desk and started hoofing it as fast as I could for the door.  I only got about three steps when I heard Mr. Voss.  "Wait a minute, Darren.  You forgot your name."

     It cost precious seconds but I managed to scribble something that looked like my name before I rushed the door.

     When I got outside, I immediately saw Sean and Ted standing over by the locker complex.  They were leaning up against the wall waiting for me.  Ted's face looked mischievous, which was normal but it worried me.  Sean looked serious, very serious.

     I didn't look their way for more than a second.  I couldn't.  Dawn was approaching the corner of the building.  She was walking with a friend and they were just about to disappear.  I had to move.

     I spun on my toes and walked up behind them as quick as I could.  With every step, I thought about backing out.  My heart was in my throat, my stomach was in knots, and my spine racing.  I was nervous as hell.

     I couldn't back down though, my feet wouldn't have responded.  I was also too close.  If I stopped then, they would probably hear me and wonder what I was doing.  I had to keep going.  I was right behind her.

     "Um, Dawn?"  I spoke before I wanted to.  It just came out, not at all like I'd fantasized it.  I thought I sounded like a hoarse frog rather than someone who knew what he was doing.

     She turned, her eyes finding mine immediately.  I wanted to turn, afraid to face her but at the same time I wanted to stand.  Here I was!

     "Yes?"

     "Would you like to go to the dance with me Friday?"  At this point, the blood was rushing through my ears so hard I have no idea how I sounded.  I was feeling stronger.  I felt like I was at the top of a giant roller coaster.  I was coming into control.

     Her face softened and she smiled a sad smile as she reached out and took my hand.  I could feel the warmth of her skin instantly.  So much different then my own hands.  So soft.  Like her voice.

     "Oh, I'm sorry.  Someone asked me already.  You should have asked me yesterday, I would have said yes."  She was being honest, I could see it in her eyes.  She wasn't dropping me hard, she had just already committed herself.

     That made me feel good.  It made me feel strong.  I wasn't worried how I looked anymore.  I wasn't worried about looking like a fool.  I squeezed her hand lightly and smiled back warmly.  "It's okay, I'll catch you next time."

     I kept holding her hand while I turned and nodded at her friend who was looking on in pleasant disbelief.  I then turned and walked calmly towards Ted and Sean.  I didn't look at them, I just walk towards them and listened behind me.  Dawn's friend was beginning to chatter excitedly.  I don't know exactly what she said, it was her tone I was listening to.  I walked away proud.

     When I neared Sean and Ted, I just walked past them and around the building.  I never looked back.  Not even when I went around the corner.  I just walked.

     As soon as I was out of sight, I sat down hard and began fumbling in my bag for smokes.  By the time I got them out, my hands were shaking.  I couldn't even hold the pack still to tap one out.  I had to dump a few into my hand first.  It took even longer to light the match.

     By this time, Sean and Ted walked around the corner.  Sean just positioned himself up against a post and looked at me with a confident smile.  Ted was practically about to burst out of his skin though, "Holy iron balls!  I don't believe you did it!  What did she say?"

     Sean tapped him on the shoulder and Ted took the hint at once.  From there, he sat down beside me and got out his own cigarettes.  He had his lit before me.  I was still fumbling around with my matches.  I was about to destroy my fifth match when it lit.

     I pulled in as much smoke as I could and held it deep.  I felt good.  I felt damn good.  I was riding the rush.  It was still with me and it made me realize what I was after all along.  It wasn't necessarily Dawn, but the risk of asking that had me high.  It didn't matter that I had been shot down.  What mattered was that I did it and it felt great.  Just that moment, that adrenaline rush, was worth it.  Dawn was beautiful, yes, but I had been building her up as something beyond my reach.  Now I knew!  It was the asking that was the lock.  It was the asking that was the key.  One and the same and now I knew.  Hell, I'd figured it out and it was nothing, nothing but the greatest feeling in the world.  I felt good, very good.

     Later that day, Sean and I drove downtown.  We were going to see his girl friend.  It was from that day on that I decided to treat Sean with more respect.  He had helped me realize just what it was that was most important in life.  It was friendship and knowing that sometimes the best things in life just happen.  I had been tormenting myself with improbable expectations and choking myself with repressed action.  Dawn was just a girl, not a goddess.

     I also realized just how good a friend Sean was.  I would have given him shit for a week for even talking to a girl.  He treated me with respect.  It was this respect that I returned when we went to see Kim.  Hell, at this point, I respected Sean more than I ever had respected anyone before.

     I also knew now why Sean had never taken any of us to see Kim.  It wasn't anything about her.  It was us.  We were still just a bunch of piece of shit teenage punks.

     As for Kim, she was beautiful.  When I first saw her, she was sitting on her lawn with one of her friends as we pulled up.  She jumped up and was at the window of the car giving Sean a kiss before I even had the car in park.  When she backed away, she was smiling as warmly as Sean was blushing.  Sean just looked at me with a silly grin and started to introduce us, "This is my best friend, Darren."

     Sean didn't get to finish and I didn't even get to respond.  Kim jumped in, "Hi, I'm Kim.  Sean's terrible with introducing people."

     I smiled and nodded while I took the keys from the ignition.

     Kim continued, "And hiding over here is my best friend, Trish.  Come on, get over here."

     Kim was gesturing  to her friend and I turned to look at her.  She was just getting up off the grass and looking a little shy.  She was beautiful though.  I felt a familiar tightening in my stomach as she stood up.

     I got out of my car and rested my arms on the roof.  Sean was also trying to get out but Kim was refusing to move.  She kept bumping her hips into the door every time Sean tried to open it while urging Trish on, "Come on, you shy thing."  She then turned to me to finish up, "She's kind of shy."

     "That's okay, so am I."  I wasn't looking at Kim.  I was looking at Trish.  She was walking toward the car as slow as possible, growing more beautiful with every step.  I smiled at her and she caught it, blushed, and returned it.  Sometimes the best things in life do just happen.  I think I was learning.