An Eye For An Eye Drop

     Usually the punks aren't that bad.  Most of the time they keep the noise down to a tolerable roar.  This time though, they came through the door laughing as loud as they could and mingling it with occasional whoops and hollers.  They were loud enough to catch the attention of everyone in the diner, not that there were many people in at the time.  Still, those that were there were clearly annoyed by having what was turning out to be a nice quiet night ruined.

     Stacie was quick.  Before they even made it around the deserted hostess stand, she was on them.  I couldn't hear what she was saying as her back was to me and she usually asks nicely the first time.  Whatever it was she said checked them for a moment but as Stacie went back to work, they started giggling again.  From Stacie's expression, I could tell she was already irritated. 

     Two of them followed Stacie up to the point of their regular booth while the third, a skinny little hyper-active twit named Ted, broke left down the hallway to the rest rooms.

     Jed, my one counter customer, started off with a cough, "Wonder what that's all about?"

     "No telling.  They probably just saw their first Playboy and can't quite decide what to make of it."

     "Yup, you're probably right.  Figures.  Say Pete, can I have a little more of that coffee?"

     One thing I'll never understand about Jed is that he's so damn clueless.  The guy's all right as far as tips go, but for conversation and for general alert human companionship, he's a dud.  I didn't even need to turn around to see that the coffee wasn't done brewing, I had just hit the start button when the three hyenas came in.  But Jed was looking right at it.  You would think he would want to wait until it was liquid before he drank it.

     "No problem, Jed.  Could you give it a minute to brew?"

     Jed didn't get to answer as Stacie was swinging around the counter at a clip that meant trouble.  The look in her eyes didn't cheer me either.

     "Pete, I am not waiting on those jerks tonight.  I'll drop their menus off, but I'm not waiting on them again.  They've stiffed me the last three times they've been in and I'm not going to baby-sit them for nothing."

     "Well, why don't you wink at them more, then maybe they'll start tipping again."  She kicked me in the shin.  "Jesus, Stacie!  What was that for?"

     "Figure that one out for yourself.  While you're at it, you might want to tell the little shits to fix the salt shaker."

     I don't know how she does it, but Stacie sees everything that goes on in this dump.  Her back was turned to the punks but when I looked over her shoulder, Mark, the oldest one of the bunch, was unscrewing the tops of the salt and pepper shakers.  Darren, the gear head of the group, was leaning forward as if to try to conceal what his friend was doing.  My face must have shown my astonishment before it began to snarl because Stacie smiled as I squeezed past her.

     "Mark!  If you want to play games like that, get out of here and go pester your parents."

     They both sat upright and innocent, Mark quickly sliding the condiments rack to the side.  He then looked up at me with a cheap angelic expression.  "What?  We're not doing anything."

     "You better not be."  There was really nothing else I could say without being goaded into one of their little jokes so I left it at that and went back to my prep.

     "Damn, Pete, that sure told them."

     "Shut up Jed, and go back to your paper.  Your coffee will be ready in a minute."

     Other than Jed, Stacie, the three Stooges, and myself, the only other people in that night were a couple I didn't recognize sitting over by the door and two cabbies I only knew by what they ordered.  Outside of that, the place was empty.  Typical of a Monday night in July.  If I was lucky, I'd leave with fifteen dollars.

     I had made it through two onions when Stacie came to the counter.

     "There, I gave them their menus but they're on their own now.  They do want cokes though.  They thought I was joking when I told them to get it themselves so you might want to get them ready."

     "That's something you could do, couldn't you?"  I didn't want to stop and wash up just to get sodas.  Sometimes that's all these guys ever ordered and I was too busy to bother with it.  Apparently Stacie was too because all she did was say "Nope" and walk away.

     By the time I had all the onion off of my hands and the sodas ready, Mark was walking up to the counter.  He popped down into the seat next to Jed and sat staring at him until Jed looked up from his paper.

     Jed has one of those real raspy cigarette voices that takes twenty or thirty years of hard smoking to acquire so when he first speaks, sometimes it takes him a moment of grunting to get out the first word.

     "Go on, you can say it.  Want me to call a doctor?"  Mark was doing a pretty good job of keeping a stone face.  I couldn't have done it.

     "Don't you have somewhere else you should be, like maybe home?"

     "I am home, Jed.  You guys are like family to me.  Stacie's my mom, Pete here is my dad, and you are my dirty old grandpa."

     The thought of spawning a rodent faced punk like Mark caused me to speak up, "And you guys are the things we found on the doorstep and forgot to drown.  By the way, what is your brother doing?  Checking the plumbing?"

     "No, no, nothing like that.  He's just taking care of a little something."

     "Now I'm worried"

     "Don't be.  It's nothing concerning you."  Mark ended with reaching out and grabbing the three sodas.

     "That's three bucks, Mark."

     "Put it on my tab, okay?"

     "Show me a credit card, otherwise shell up."

     A small ball of green bounced on the counter.  He had the money wadded up in his hand the whole time.  By the time I had unraveled the bills, Mark was walking back to his seat with the three drinks.  Seeing that there were just three ones, I decided to remind him just who I was.

     "Hey, Mark, don't you love your old man anymore?"

     That got him.  "Huh?  What do you mean?"

     "Where's my tip?"

     "Don't worry old man.  I'll get you in the end."

     "You better."  I kept this low so only Jed heard me.  If the place was empty, I would have probably said it louder.  As it was, I didn't want any of the other customers getting the wrong idea.  I didn't know any of them and they were Stacie's customers anyway.

     "I would think twice about that last statement if I were you.  I mean, the kid does wear earrings."

     Jed still hasn't caught up with the last decade and I was about to remind him that I wore and earring myself when I was interrupted.

     "Check."  It was Stacie waving money at me.

     "What's the matter with you tonight?  Can't you even ring your own tabs?"

     "Well, you're not doing anything.  Besides, I was going to wink at you."

     I was about to answer when Ted came out from around the corner.  Stacie and I just stared at him as he walked past.  Jed, as usual, was too buried in his paper to notice.  Something about Ted demanded our attention though.  I mean, someone doesn't spend about ten minutes in the can and walk out like he did.  I think it was his ear to ear grin that looked suspicious.

     "What's with him?"

     "I don't know Stacie, but if he messed up anything in there, I'll kick his butt."

     "I'd go check if I were you, Pete.  He's the crazy one and they were laughing about something."

     "You go check.  I'm afraid."

     "Can't anybody just feel good about taking a shit anymore?  By the way, when do I get my coffee?"

     That caught us both off guard.  Jed has the wit of a rock sow we couldn't tell if he was joking or not.  We were also a little surprised that he didn't start out by wringing out his lungs again.

     When you've been doing this as long as I have, things become automatic.  Before Stacie had her jaw back in place, Jed's coffee was poured and the register was open.  As a force of habit, I handed Stacie back all ones and change in the ongoing battle to trying to hint to the customer that the some of the ones should be left.  Stacie quickly counted her change and left, still at a loss for words.  With a quick glance to the clock, I picked up my knife and began cutting again.

     I only got about half an onion done when the couple left.  I was definitely thankful for that as I could hear Huey, Dewey, and Louie beginning to argue out loud as to who was going to get up and place the order.  They weren't very quiet about it either.

     As I was getting ready to grab my last onion, Ted hollered out, "Hey, Petey, why ain't Stacie waiting on us?"

     I looked over at Stacie who was moving in on the couple's table to clear it and scrounge for tips.  She was pretending not to hear but I knew better.

     "She doesn't want to put up with your nonsense tonight."  Simple answer.  Apparently it worked too as they went back to arguing whose turn it was to be the runner.

     Ted must have lost as he showed up next to Jed just as soon as I finished the onion and wrapped it all up.

     "Okay Petey, ready to order."

     I ignored him.  Instead, I picked up the coffee pot, slowly refilled Jed's cup, and set it down again.  When I was done with that, I took my cigarettes out of my shirt pocket and called to Stacie who was just now emerging from the back room.  "Stacie, nothing's happening so I'm going to take a break, all right?"

     "Sure, my other table's almost done."

     Ted's voice was almost a whine.  "Petey, what about my order?"

     I spun on him.  "First of all, Teddy, my name is Pete.  Second, I want you guys to start behaving over there or you ain't getting nothing.  Understand?"

     His stupid grin left immediately.  "Sorry."

     "Fine, now what do you want?" 

     I took his order and made him pay up front but he had to go back to the table to get his money.  When he was gone, Jed complimented me on shutting the kid up.  In Jed's opinion, as he put it, that kid should have been drowned at birth.  I reminded him that I had already told that joke so he just coughed once and returned to his paper.

     Their order came to $12.50 and Dave handed me three fins to cover it.  To my surprise, when I put his change down, he slid it back and apologized for calling me Petey.

     I was shocked.  I was almost half sure that I was going to have to wink at him just to keep the quarters.  Two-fifty was unprecedented.  He must have noticed my jaw hanging.

     "Don't be shy.  It's yours.

     I covered it quickly.  "Thanks Ted, thanks a lot.  By the way, why were you smiling so big when you came out of the john?"

     "Oh, I was just having a real crappy day today."

     I hate being on the outside of an inside joke.  Mark and Darren howled.  Unfortunately, Darren had been taking a drink at the time.

     Almost apologetically, Ted followed up with, "No seriously, I'm just really pooped today."

     Somehow the bastard kept a strait face.  Mark however, was slapping Darren on the back.  I know I must have looked stupid because Jed started snickering.  He has a way of seeing at odd angles through his glasses, kind of like how Stacie can see everything in the diner at any given time.  That, of course, made it more annoying.  All I could say was, "By the way, where's Sean?"

     "That turd?  He's probably off somewhere doing something."

     "Don't let on anymore than you have to."

     "What?  He's just been in the dumps today.  We couldn't get a hold of him earlier so we left without him."

     "Somehow I know there's a joke here.  I don't know what it is and I don't really care, but if my restroom is messed up in any way, you'll be sorry."  I tried to sound serious and tough but I don't think it came out that way.

     "Pete, trust me, your can's okay.  I didn't do anything to it.  I've just been under a lot of pressure all day and I needed to take a load off."  He still kept a straight face.  Darren was holding his stomach and Mark was slipping under the table.  I knew there was a joke there and I knew I was being made to play the straight man.  I hate that but I didn't want to press the issue.  I figured that the quicker I let it drop, the better.

     Ted went back to his table and the three of them kept snickering about whatever it was.  I tried to ignore them but that isn't something I'm very good at.  I guess I'm a little paranoid but since there was nothing I could do about it, I began working on their sandwiches.  I did have to tell Jed to stop smiling thug.  It didn't do me any good to having him rub it in.

     I had just put the burgers on the grill when Stacie came up behind me.  "What was that all about?"

     Jed forgot to cough first so he sounded like a train running with square wheels.  "Those little turds were just giving him some shit."

     "Shut up Jed, or your next cup is in you lap."

     "I guess I missed something."  With that, Stacie went to check on the cabbies.

     "Thanks a lot, Jed.  Remind me to call on you whenever I need help."

     Cough-cough-hack!  "No problem."  If Jed were to ever write a book, it would be called Zen and the Art of Chain Smoking.

     Fifteen minutes later, the boys were eating their burgers and the cabbies were walking out the door.  It was still an hour before closing time but I was allowed to use my discretion.  The boss figured it was better to go ahead and close up early on a pathetically slow night than it was to pay someone to baby-sit the counter.  So, after waiting about five more minutes without any more business, I decided to close up.

     "Stacie, we're closed.  Go ahead and clean up.  How's the back?"

     "It's all done, except for this last table."

     "Good, thanks."  Our dishwasher hadn't shown up again so I had been having to go back there and keep a regular watch on the stacks.  Stacie was good though.  When we were slow, she would help out where she could.  Tonight, since it was so slow, she had gone ahead and took care of the few dishes that remained.  "Jed, I can keep you in here 'till your grand kids leave, then I'm going to have to kick you out."

     "No problem."

     I then went around the counter so that I could walk past the boys.  I didn't need to ask how things were but I wanted to see what they were up to.  I wasn't disappointed by what I saw.  I remember when I was a kid, I used to do things like make little forts out of my fries or stick them in the bun and use them as field goal markers.  That was when I was a little kid of, oh, about twelve.  These guys were supposed to be seniors in high school in two months and what they were doing with the food, outside of eating it, still has me baffled.  I think it was some type of contact sport but I wasn't sure.

     "You guys know that I'm not unlocking that door until your mess is cleaned up."

     Darren was the only one who didn't have his mouth overstuffed with food.  His was just half stuffed.  "Sure, we gotcha Pops."

     "Watch who you're calling 'Pops' there, son.  I'm only three years older than you."

     Ted had managed by this time to swallow enough to allow him to talk.  "We know, we know, you were a senior when we were freshmen.  You've told us that a thousand times."

     "Yeah, and don't you forget it."

     Speaking through a mouthful of food, Mark said, "How can we, you're an inspiration to us.  High school graduate to short order cook."

     I was about to say something really witty back when I heard Jed chuckling quietly to himself.  "Something funny, Jed?"

     "Sure thing.  You walked right into that one.  Bam!  Like a wall."

     I'd had enough of this.  Someday I was going to learn not to try to be flip.  It never worked for me.  The best I could do was to walk away and finish closing up.

     As I was locking the door, a car pulled up.  From the looks of it, someone had just given it a quick wash.  Water was dripping down the sides and when the car stopped, several drops rolled down the wind shield.

     The driver was out even before the lights were off and I recognize him immediately.  It was Sean, the fourth musketeer, and he looked pissed.  Getting out of the passenger seat was a kid I vaguely recognized as a friend of Sean's.  The contrast between these two was incredible.  Sean was a small, skinny kid with wire glasses and frizzy red hair, and the other guy, I think his name was Dale, was about a hundred pounds overweight and half of that was acne.  Sean came strait to the door and tried to open it.

     "Sorry Sean, we're closed." 

     I don't think that mattered to him.  He just grabbed the door and started shaking it while yelling, "Open up!  Open the God damned door!  Those guys pooped on my car!"

     "What?"  I wasn't sure I heard him right.

     "They shit on my car!  Open the door, please."

     Well, this  was getting interesting and it sounded good so I unlocked the door.  Sean didn't even wait for me to get my hand off the handle before he yanked the door open and blew past me.  He was yelling as loud as he could and stomping as hard as he could, but he still didn't look intimidating.  I tried to grab him to slow him down so that he didn't do damage to anything but I missed.  I had forgotten about the other three boys but when I looked at them, they were all rolling around in their seats.

     Dale walked in quietly after Sean and stood just inside the door.  I turned to look at him.  "What happened?"

     "They shit on his car."  That being all the information he seemed willing to give, I turned my attention back to what was happening on the other side of the room. 

     Sean had walked right up to Ted, grabbed his shirt with one hand and swung with the other.  Being one of those natural klutzes, he missed.  Actually, it looked like Ted was able to pull back just enough to throw Sean off balance.

     Ted tried to keep a strait face but it wasn’t working well.  "Why did you do that?  I didn't shit on your car."

     "Then who did?"

     All three of them tried to look innocent and said "Not me" but I would have convicted them all just on their attitudes.  Sean didn't believe them either.  "Bullshit!  One of you did and I'm going to find out who if it takes me all night."

     By then, Dale and I had made it to the table.  "Not here you aren't.  We're closed.  If you want to take this outside, go ahead.  You guys have five minutes."

     Mark looked upset.  "Five minutes?  We can't finish this in five minutes."

     "They shit on my car.  What about that?"

     Mark's attitude shifted to angry real quick.  "What about it?  How are you going to prove that we did it?  Did you take samples?

     Sean's argument was fading fast.  Hell, he was all bark but no bite, and even his bark was wimpy.  His shoulders had already slumped.  "Who else would have done it?"

     Quietly, Darren said, "You need a list?  I can get one if you want?  Do you want it alphabetically or shall we go geographically?"

     I kind of felt sorry for Sean.  I knew he had it tough but I didn't think it was that bad.  He just stood there for a minute quivering until Dale nudged him and said, "Let's go."

     "Yeah, get out of here.  And don't ever try and hit me again, understand?"  Ted was no longer smiling.

     After I let Sean and Dale out, I turned to go back to the table.  On my way, I noticed Stacie standing behind the counter over by Jed.  Jed was still hunched over his coffee but Stacie was putting three cokes on a tray.  I didn't try to figure out who they were for.  I just spaced the whole thing.  Instead, I went strait for the table.  The apes had started giggling again.

     "Did you guys take a dump on his car?"

     Mark's expression was smug.  "Well, not all of us.  I mean, we can't all conjure up a poop at the same time."

     "Then who did?  Ted?"

     "Oops, caught me with my pants down."  I felt like hitting him.

     "That was a real shitty thing to do."  As soon as I said this, I knew I was going to eat my words. 

     It was Ted who had the fasted draw.  "You're telling me."  They howled and I turned red.

     "Get out of here!  Right now!  Get the fuck out of here and don't come back!  My voice must have carried that time because they all jumped.  They were half out of their seats when Stacie arrived.

     "Pete, they're assholes, but still, they paid for their food.  Let them finish."

     "What?  You heard them.  That's the single lowest thing I ever heard of.  They're out of here.  Now!"

     "Look, I'll get them out of here but at least let them finish up.  You go back behind the counter and cool off before you get yourself in any real trouble."  I was seeing red but what she was saying was making sense.  If these guys goaded me into hitting them or something, I'd be up shit creek ... no pun intended.

     I heard a loud hack ... Jed was about to talk.  "Pete, get over here and act responsible.  You're being an ass."

     I turned to look in his direction to see if I could believe what I was hearing but Jed was still sitting hunched over his cup.  I stood there for a second feeling like Sean must have felt.  Then, out of frustration and disbelief, I stormed back behind the counter.

     I heard Stacie tell the guys that they would have to leave as soon as they were done but that these sodas should help.  They simply thanked her.  I don't know if they said anything else, I was too pissed to hear strait.  I couldn't believe Stacie was giving them free sodas after what they had done.

     Before I could say anything though, Jed grabbed my arm.  "Pete, don't say anything.  I hate those little assholes as much as you do but just stop and listen to me for a minute."  I looked him in the eyes.  Actually, up 'till then, I hadn't known he had any.  All I ever saw was the top of his head.  He then brought out a small vial of Visine and held it up so I could see it.  "Do you know what happens when you put a drop of this in someone's drink?"

     "Of course.  It cleans them out almost immediately."

     Jed just smiled and put the Visine away.  My eyes must have been as big as saucers at that point because he then started laughing softly.  Stacie was also smiling as she walked back to the counter.  Right then, I felt a deep respect for my two friends.

     A couple of moments later and all three of them bolted to the restroom.  The best part of the joke came a few minutes later when I reminded Stacie and Jed that there was only one stall.  Jed sobered me up though by reminding me that there was only one stall. 

     I stopped smiling.